I overthink. My mind is always constantly running through different scenarios and different meanings.

Does she really mean she is happy to see me?

Why did he have that particular look on his face?

And it always ends with me thinking I'm not good enough.

No one could ever truly like me.

I have nothing special to offer anybody.

I sit in confusion when people seem to genuinely enjoy being in my company.

I wonder why?

I get scared that my cover will be blown, completely ignoring the fact that I wasn't hiding anything to begin with, I was just being me.

I worry that they will realize how worthless I really am, and frantically try to keep up with appearances.

Appearances that never existed to begin with.

My anxiety flares, words become difficult, and my brain becomes too muddled to really focus on the person talking in front of me.

Don't blow it, don't blow it repeats over and over in my mind.

It's hard to turn off my mind, to tune out the anxieties, to internally scream SHUT UP. Yet I still try.

Sometimes my feelings get the best of me. They engulf me, and I can feel myself spiraling down. It becomes hard to see the bright and hopeful side of life. I start to dwell not only on what has hurt me, but on everything sad or awful in the world. I fall deeper into the sadness, and find it hard to climb back up into the light. I desperately try to heal the ache in my heart, in my soul and I start by pushing away people and things who I feel, at the moment, have caused me pain. I still leave my house with a smile though, I will tell you I'm fine if you ask, I will laugh, I will joke, I will continue on as though nothing at all is wrong. You'll never know about the tears I shed behind closed doors. You'll never know about the nights I stay awake unable to sleep, overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt. You'll never know how deeply I feel things.

I think I'm done living in Saudi Arabia. Done with all of it...I can honestly say that at this particular moment in time if I leave this country never to return again I will not be sad. Not even a little. I may miss a few people and I will miss the boys' school, but other than that. Nothing.

Now I know it seems childish and ridiculous to complain and say I hate this place, when there are so many places in the world that are much worse than living in suffocating Saudi Arabia. I could be stuck in the middle of the war in Syria, or the chaos that is Iraq, or some poverty stricken place in Africa. I know that, I do, but until you've lived this life and dealt with these frustrations that happen every single day with no end in sight...you have no right to tell me that I am not justified in feeling that I currently live in the worst possible country on earth.

So..lets vent. Let's list a few of these frustrations...

1. Not being allowed to drive. You'd think it is a stupid thing to complain about...but being entirely dependent on someone else to take you where you want to go is not fun. Especially not when you have three other human beings attached to you wherever you go. And it's further exacerbated by living on a compound where you seem to be not only talking, but screaming at walls. When no one cares or even bothers to fully listen to your issues, where they go constantly go back on their word, where their poor sensitive male ego is hurt when a woman comes up with a solution better than theirs, and to remedy that they completely ignore any recommendation made by you. Where trying to get your kids to school each day is a battle, an event so stressful that before the day even starts you're ready to crawl back into bed; only to be reminded that crawling into bed is not an option.

2. While on the topic of driving, lets mention the horrendous traffic. When in the States, I loved driving around neighborhoods and getting lost and discovering hidden play grounds and adorable houses. On weekends, going for a drive was also fun. Here leaving our house to get freaking groceries is a fucking nightmare. You don't know if you'll make it home alive, or if today will be the day that you end up getting into a horrific car accident. I vent to my parents and anyone who will listen about this a lot, and my dad always knows the right things to say (sarcasm). He likes to let me know how awful traffic is in the States too, and how he hates driving there for the exact same reason. Nope. Sorry but you are a liar. You cannot compare driving in the States to driving here, where you'll be minding your own business driving the right way and suddenly a car is driving directly towards you because he cant be freaking bothered to get on the right side of the road. The driving here is a reason we stay home.

3. More on grocery shopping or any type of shopping. Dealing with driving there is only half the battle..theres also the oh so lovely prayer time where everything closes for at least an hour. prayer takes at most 10 minutes, why they need to close for an hour is beyond me...and with there being 5 prayers a day...really only 4 of them affect store times...you can just imagine how efficient weekends are here. Get to the grocery store and get locked inside because its prayer time and we can't pay for our shit. Finally get out, and go drive to a restaurant...oh shit another prayer...restaurant closed. Let's go home and wish we never ever left our house.

4. Rude, entitled, judgemental people. This one is applicable to all places, it's not unique to Saudi Arabia, but it definitely adds to the joy of living here. For example waiting in line and some completely head to toe covered woman tries cutting in front of you because she assumes you don't speak arabic and therefore are lesser than her. When you do speak arabic, she looks you up and down and half heartedly apologizes but still tries to get her stuff done before you. Or something as simple as boarding a plane....the concept of forming a line seems to be much to difficult for people here..not just Saudis but Pakistanis and Indians too. I realize someone may call me out and say I'm racist but it's true, and of course there are the few western ex pats who think "if you can't beat em.." and those people I truly despise. I despise them all, but the western expats who wouldn't dare behave this way back home...they really disappoint me. Living here has made me lose all hope for humanity, and theres Trump and his lovely followers...people suck and I'm better off holing up in my house.

5. The abaya. It's hot, it's annoying, it gets stuck on things, it makes me trip, and I HATE it. I hate it with a passion....i want to light all of mine on fire and watch them burn. The only good thing is that I cvan leave the house in my pajamas or wear the same clothes every single day and not a single person will know. Granted doing that isn't great for your emotional or mental state...but its the only positive I can think of.

6. For a place that lets kids run wild, it does not have a lot for kids. Sure every mall has a kids play area but most are so poorly maintained that you would be better off sending your kids to play in a junk yard...they have the same likelihood of getting hurt or sick from both places. Also there are no changing tables in any bathroom I have ever been in.

7. Bathrooms...cleanliness is part of your religion. Well these people obviously never learned that. Using a public restroom is almost as traumatizing as driving through the horrific traffic. the floors are soaking wet, and you always end up with some mystery liquid on the bottom of your abaya. Majority of the restrooms are just porcelain holes in the floor and if you magically find a stall with a regular toilet seat its usually so beat up and with no toilet seat , just the porcelain bowl. Oh and let's not forget the complete lack of toilet paper. There is never ever ever any toilet paper in the restrooms. Also I must be fair and say new malls and restaurants have very nice restrooms, but that only lasts a couple months. Apparently people here don't know how to properly use a bathroom and destroy it. They seem to destroy everything here...they live by the motto "hey it's not mine!"

8. Not something that can be fixed, but the dust. Oh my god how I hate the dust.

9. Oh back to bathrooms, the bathrooms which are vile and disgusting are where the fitting rooms for women are. We cannot try clothes on in the store, that is a privilege only given to men, as is driving, and we must purchase the clothes or leave a credit card and go try it on in the nearest bathroom which sometimes is quite a long way away. Also I'm the type of person who enjoys getting my husband's, or really whoever is with me, feedback. I can't when I'm trying clothes on in a bathroom and required to wear a abaya when I leave said bathroom.

10. On the topic of clothes...ridiculous return policy of three days and exchange within 7. When transportation is so difficult and you're reliant on someone else bringing you back 3 days is a ridiculous amount of time. factor in kids, prayer times and awful traffic. You're pretty much stuck with whatever you bought, so choose wisely. Did I also mention it is not only that you have to return it within 3 days it also has to be before the exact time you bought it. So say you bought something at 9:05 on Monday, you go to the store on Thursday and get to the checkout at 9:06, sorry you're only eligible for an exchange because it now counts as four days. I'm not kidding this has happened to me before.

BAsically..in a nutshell  the longer I have lived here the more I hate this place and the more I want to leave. Unfortunately my kids' lives are here, their friends, their school, their home, and it makes it incredibly difficult for me to leave. I am no longer someone hopeful for change and hope and happy things...all I want is OUT.

Recently, I was talking to someone about living in Saudi Arabia. She's Russian and has grown up and lived in Saudi Arabia all her life. She was complaining about the way people come to Saudi Arabia and know what the rules are and yet they come and then expect things to be different and change for them. She also said something that has been on repeat in my head all day, "Living here is what you make it". She's right, but that phrase also makes me feel incredibly selfish, spoiled, and just plain wrong for feeling miserable here.

I love my family, I love the friends and most of the people I have met here, I love my kid's school and the community of parents and kids that are a part of it. But living here, in Saudi Arabia, depresses the hell out of me. I feel empty and worthless and unproductive. And so when someone tells me that living here is what you make of it...it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for just not being able to adapt to life here. I ABHOR wearing a abaya, it gets caught on stuff, the buttons are constantly falling off, if it has a zipper I feel twisted inside, they're hot, i'm constantly tripping on them, i feel like i cannot walk or move freely, i feel trapped and suffocated in them and have half a mind to walk around naked under it because they are so damn hot. So that's one part of life that I have to deal with every single day that I just can't adapt to and cannot get used to. I cannot get used to things closing 40 minutes before and after prayer. It makes everything so stressful and with kids every minute counts. Just more trapped feeling...living within the few hours between each daytime prayer trying to get things done; and instead of making one feel religious it makes me seriously hate prayer time. The lack of human decency that is here....people here disgust me...of course its a huge generalization but my God it is a huge number of them. They lack common courtesy and understanding. They are selfish and inconsiderate. Slobs who throw their garbage where ever they please. No respect for lines, or turns, or basic traffic laws.

it drives me insane.

I cannot get over being dependent on any man to take me where I need to go. I miss hopping in my car, and sometimes just driving for the sake of driving. I miss leaving the kids with their dad after a long day and driving to the supermarket or pharmacy or walmart just to walk around and do nothing, alone. Here there is no alone. I am constantly with someone...even if I ditch my kids with their dad I have to take a car with a driver who is usually chatty and wants to make small talk with the half American half Saudi girl who looks and acts 100% American. But I don't want to small talk, I just want to sit alone. Blast some music and just get lost for a few hours without hearing Mommy Mommy, Hannah Hannah, Ma'am Ma'am. The only time I can be alone is in my house...and although I used to enjoy staying home..I don't want to stay home here because I'm always home and staying home all the time is enough to drive any person insane.

And I can't seem to get over any of those things...so I feel like a complete failure of a person for not being able to make the best of living here...for not wanting to sit in a corner and fucking cry every once in a while because of how miserable the trapped feeling is here. I know being a mom to young kids can make you feel trapped and suffocated but the feelings are multiplied by living in this country. I hate it

Living in Saudi Arabia as a mom is not easy....not for someone like me. I'm pretty independent, I do not like asking for help or relying on others..so living in a place where I cannot do anything unless I rely on others is exhausting.

It's not all bad...I've made friends...only 2 are actually Saudi women. We have our birthday parties and our play dates and my pottery classes. There are days when everything seems great and then I have to get into the backseat of a car with a total stranger to pick up my son and my mood immediately deteriorates.

I try...I really do to see the bright side...to be grateful...but I keep thinking I can drive better than him. And when he takes a wrong turn after I have already told him 5 times before the turn that he will be taking that turn and he misses it...I can't help feeling livid.

In a country that is supposed to be governed by Islam..they sure are hypocritical. What was that saying about a man and a woman being alone together in a room, and the devil being the third one. Well a car is a lot smaller than most rooms...and I'm alone a lot of the time in said car with some guy I honestly know nothing about. And I'm trusting my life and my children's life to him because I have no other choice. Like I said though I'm trying..I'm trying to focus on the good things....but this tiny seemingly insignificant thing is eating away at me.

I JUST WANT TO DRIVE MY CAR! It's not like there is ANYWHERE or ANYTHING for me to do here that could get me into any trouble. All I want to do is go grocery shopping by myself..schedule my day without having to factor in the time it will take me to get from one driver to the other driver. I just want to go when I want to go...hop in my car and leave. Turn on the AC without having the driver repeatedly turn it off...the rear ac only works if the front AC is on...which I've told him yet he still turns it off. Control the radio...and not have him suddenly turn it off or turn down the volume. I just want my fucking space back! I don't like having some stranger invade my family life...know the silly things we do in the car...have such intimate knowledge about me and my family. I don't like it..and I don't know how much longer I can take it before I lose my mind. Theres around 12 more years before my son can drive...having him drive me around would be infinitely better than having a driver who I'm honestly not sure even understands what I'm saying half the time.

It's frustrating to the point of being infuriating. I'd love if the roles were reversed for at least a week..I'd love to see how Saudi men would survive being told they aren't allowed to drive themselves. They must have drivers take them everywhere. It would make my life. If only.

Writing helps...it helps me vent without irritating people around me by sounding like a broken record.

*sigh* The only place in the whole world where women are not allowed to drive and I'm stuck in it. FML

Oh and other news that has me depressed. My husbands company has implemented new rules. All female employees, regardless of whether they are Saudi or not, must wear a abaya to work. And if they choose not to wear it in the office it must be there hanging in their office. Also if there is a surprise ministry visit to the building all women must quickly move to a separate floor to make it seem that women and men work separately. Women are no longer allowed to ride their bikes to work, nor are they allowed to drive their cars to work. They must only take the bus. Needless to say, the women employees are pissed. Beyond pissed, and I don't blame them one bit.

For the residents where I live a dress code is now being strictly enforced...not that it really affects me since I dress pretty conservatively anyways. But still feels very high school...and irritated me a lot. One of the dress code rules was at the swimming pool only non-revealing conservative swim suits must be worn. I'm not sure what they mean by that and how one would find a non-revealing swim suit...but I guess their plan is to make women wear abayas in the pool as well. It's only a matter of time before women are forced to wear abayas on the compound too. I know the new person in charge of these matters would be more than pleased by that change. And when that happens..I'm outta here...I don't care if a live in a cardboard box. Wearing a abaya everyday off of the compound is annoying enough..I'm not going to be told I have to wear one walking around my neighborhood too.

I hate abayas. I never minded them before...but living here and wearing them all the time...they annoy me to death. I can't sit comfortably...they are always getting tangled or stuck on something. They make you hotter than you would be in just clothes...way hotter. the buttons are always falling off...the sleeves are either too tight which means you cant roll them up or too loose which means when you're eating out your bound to drag it through the food on the table. Bathrooms here, where cleanliness is an important aspect of religion, are nightmares. Disgusting, wet, messes that are a nightmare to walk into with a abaya. And of course there is NEVER any toilet paper.

I feel like this is turning into a rant so maybe I should calm down and go make some tea or something....because this could go on forever.

bright side..silver lining..My son had his 6th  birthday party this past weekend and it was amazing. I met a bunch of new mom friends and reconnected with old mom friends and it was just a really nice get together. I enjoyed it a lot and didn't once think of  the things about living in this country that the annoy the fuck out of me.

Since moving to Riyadh, I have been having the worst PMS imaginable. It is unbearable. A week before my period I start to feel like I'm getting sick, like my stomach has been replaced by a bottomless pit, and am overcome by horrible feelings of being overwhelmed. Oh and let's not forget the extreme anxiety, the rage directed towards my husband, the uncontrollable crying, and of course how I suddenly turn agoraphobic. It lasts the entire week prior to my period and the entire 9 days of my period and it is pure hell! I have always had pretty bad pms...but this is just cruel.

I mentioned it to my mom, and she mentioned that it sounds a lot like PMDD...WHAT?! There's a name for this hell I have been going through? It's not just PMS?! So I look it up and it matches nearly everything I have, except in the symptoms they say it starts the week before your period and ends once your period begins...that's not the case with me. I have two weeks of pure hell...

Since researching it, I've also noticed that I have a tendency to become incredibly sad and miss a certain person a lot more than I normally do. And do incredibly stupid things...and act like I'm living in a freaking romantic drama... blah. Then when the two weeks of hell are over I sit in shame and just want everything to go back to normal...

:|

I found a group on facebook (thank god for facebook) and the posts were like I had written them myself. One was by a husband concerned for his wife and the way he described his wife it sounded like me...well almost like me...this woman obviously has more issues than just severe pms..or pmdd.

I took a deep breath and sent a post and asked if pmdd can be triggered by an emotionally unhealthy living situation...I should explain why I ask that. End of December, we took a family trip to London and my period came and went with none of the anxiety or other awful symptoms I have recently started to have. Then the next month, back in lovely Riyadh..all the symptoms were back again.

There was a resounding YES! If you have a stressful living situation then it can trigger PMDD. Great! Just fucking wonderful...how do I fix that?!

So I'll be doing lots of research and hopefully will be going to see a doctor in the summer....because I don't trust doctors here...majority of them are incompetent morons who would have had their licenses revoked if they worked in the States.

This past month many of my worlds have been colliding. Everyone seems to know everyone else...and that makes me want to sit huddled in a corner, hiding. I still remember the first time I realized how small the world is. I had just moved to Saudi Arabia, left my American world and friends behind and started at a new school. A few weeks in we were getting a new student...turned out to be a girl who went t my school in the states. Imagine my surprise! I was amazed..and thought it the coolest thing in the world. Then a few weeks later we realized a girl in our class was related to one of our mutual friends in America...again amazed!! Then a few months later one of my friends was showing me family pictures and I recognized a girl to be one of my younger sisters friends from the States. Turns out that was my friends cousin.

I held onto this story, and told it over and over again to anyone who would listen. It was my favorite story to tell, because I thought it was simply amazing.

So as I was saying lately this has been happening again..people I know suddenly knowing other people I know. This time around I don't find the smallness of the world amazing or cool...I find it suffocating, stifling, heart breaking.

I find myself having trouble breathing..feeling perpetually panicked..and I realize its because I keep thinking about how small this world is. I blame globalization, screw those people who came up with it. Everyone should have just stayed within their borders and minded their own business. Oblivious to what was happening in the world around them...that's the world I want to live in. Where there is no risk of my American friends knowing my Saudi friends. And when you travel, no one will ever hear from you again; unless you travel back or write a letter. I also hate technology. I always wanted to live in Jane Austen's time period...be Elizabeth Bennett, but I felt I could never survive without technology.

Technology, along with the shrinking world we live in, has been adding to the suffocating feeling. I hate it, so yes please send me back to a time where facebook, email, and whats app did not exist. Where instagram and its taunting pictures are not even an idea yet.

Then again, I think its age that makes the world shrink. Age and awareness or something like that. Which makes me come to the conclusion that death is indeed a blessing...however it can't come soon enough. First you must be tormented by life, until you are not merely wishing, but begging on your hands and knees for yours to be taken away.

This post was inspired by this random thought I had, and whats apped to my sis: As I age, the world which seemed big, intimidating, and full of hope begins to shrink.With each passing day, it shrinks more and more and I am finding it harder and harder to breathe. The world shrinks and I slowly suffocate...death is a mercy for people unable to cope in this shrinking world. Yet even death cannot come quick enough.

Where are you?

I am at the edge of a cliff contemplating staying or falling.
I am at a dead end street conversing with the fences and walls.
I am in an abyss, clawing, grasping, hoping for something to hold on to.

Where are you?

I am in the middle of a lake in a leaky boat.
I am drowning an an ocean of regrets and sorrow.
I am in a whirlpool, spinning, coughing, losing breath.

Where are you?

I am alone in a dark room.
I am crying for the past.
I am sad, lonely, lost.

You know how there are some books that start their chapters off with a relevant quote? Well a book I'm reading on and off does that, and the last chapter I read started off with this quote:

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable."
                                                                                                                   -Madeleine L'Engle

Now, I've never read A Wrinkle in Time. I tried..numerous times as a kid, and I tried even harder when my younger sister read it and loved it..but it never interested me. I was at a stage in life where I preferred mysteries and autobiographies. I know...what kind of kid prefers to read autobiographies?! Seeing this quote, made me remember the book seeing as it was said by the author.

When I saw this quote...it moved me. Lately I have been feeling lost, alone, confused...and kind of like a little kid playing dress up. I have no clue what I'm doing, how can I be a mother? How can I be an adult when I still feel so much like a child. So vulnerable. Reading that quote was just what I needed..because it's so true.

You spend your childhood feeling scared and unsure...knowing that once you get older you'll be invincible. You'll have all the answers....you get a little older and start to feel slightly less confident about knowing everything but are still hopeful that maybe you just need a little more time. Then you get married, you have kids and are faced with the harsh reality that no one gave you the answers you were supposed to get. And you realize that your parents who always seemed so on top of things are sometimes just as lost as you. And it's scary...

To be alive is to be vulnerable. I love it...and it somehow makes things better. I want to paint this quote on my wall..so that every morning I can wake up and see it. I know...that's cheesy. But whatever!

Also...I think I may give A Wrinkle in Time another try...I mean why not right? :D

One of the things I love most about my boys is that they don't follow the rules. I mean, yeah it can be a pain in the ass, but it also allows them to show their creative side. For example, we went to a Christams-y type event with a bunch of arts and crafts activities for kids. One of the activities was to make a greeting card, and they had a sample card showing you how it should look, and a baggy filled with all the supplies you needed. So OS and I got to work, and I showed him that what we would have to do to make the card. He brushed me off and said "I'm not making a card like that. I'm making it my way." My first instinct was "No, this is the way the card has to be made", but I stopped myself and thought about. Why does it have to be made that way?! So I let him make his card his way and it turned out beautiful.

At another station you could color wreaths, so my YS who's is only 3, was scribbling away...not bothered with coloring in the lines. Also his color of choice was black. So he was happily making a big black scribble all over his wreath when the helper came over and said let's try using a different color and coloring in the lines. I told her he's only three, and she said well he can try! It annoyed me...he will eventually learn to color in the lines just like his brother did. And if he wants to color the entire wreath black who are you to tell him he cant?! Yes, it may not be festive and cheerful but it's his wreath, his choice and who is she to judge if that's right or wrong?

Then yesterday we were drawing Christmas trees at home, and my OS wanted me to make one with him. So I obviously colored my tree all green, glued some pipe cleaners on the tree to look like trimming and some glitter to look like lights. I looked over at my OS who's tree was a mixture of peach, blue, green, pink, purple, orange and light blue. To me, it wasn't a tree, and he looked over at mine and asked, "Why did you only use green? Why didn't you make it colorful?" as if I was wrong to color a tree green. It made me smile, and when I asked him if he wanted to glue pipe cleaners on his he replied, "No, if I do that you wont be able to see my coloring."

I think its great that they are able to think outside of the box.

I haven't been feeling so great the past few months. That's really an understatement...but I have a few more funny kid sayings from my boys..

OS: YS did you know if something comes close to your eye it will close? Here let me show you. *shoves cocoa puff near YS's eye, nearly poking him* See? Your eye closed.
YS tries the same thing to his own eye: Oh yeah!

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YS: Sorry I ate McQueen's eyes Mommy. He's sleeping that's why I ate his eyes.

Clever boy 

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YS: Mommy, your phone has no data. It's taking really long time to load.
Me: Patience, YS. We need to wait patiently like a big boy.
YS: No. If it takes long time I'm going to die and then I won't give you hugs anymore.
Me: You also won't be able to watch the video if you die.
YS: But I won't give you any hugs anymore and I'll die.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I was laying on the floor, and OS hopped onto my back "giving me a massage". All of a sudden YS jumps onto OS and starts jumping. OS laughing says, "Mommy, you're the horse, I'm the saddle and YS is the rider."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Me: YS do you want mayonnaise on your sandwich?
OS: I hate mayonnaise!
YS: No thank you. I don't hate mayonnaise, I just don't like it when the cat eats it.
Me: Oh...okay.
YS: Yeah, when the cat eats the mayonnaise I don't like it.

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the first cut is the deepest...and the hardest to heal

An ache in my heart..an emptiness in my soul.
Stuck looking back, watching reruns of my life.
It feels so real.
I'm slowly breaking inside.
Every time I pick up the pieces, and start closing the door,
Fear overcomes me.
I fling it back open, and drop whatever pieces I had begun to glue back together.

You broke me in so many ways, more than I ever knew,  and more than I ever will know.

My amazing sister came up with (or rather stole) a great idea of taking all my funny stories and sayings and making it into a book. And now that I think about it...I think my mom might have suggested the same thing a few months back. Well whatever...I got inspired (or re-inspired) to collect all the funny things they do and say and the easiest place to keep them is here...on my blog.

So this will be a post of copy/pasting a few facebook statuses...is that the plural of that word? It just sounds so wrong!

soooo I was going to copy paste stuff...but my god! tooooo much work. so instead i'm off to google ways to collect all my facebook statuses and print them out and highlight the ones i want. :D

I haven't posted in a while, but after nearly three months out of Riyadh...we're back! The exclamation point is to try and get myself happy about being here. But a week in and I want to sit in a corner and eat and cry until I either explode or shrivel up. *sigh* Anyways..no need for depressing stuff I have a few cute stories about my boys.

So today I found mold in my washing machine...disgusting I know, but I swear it was not my fault! The washer doesn't properly drain and then the water pools there, and my wonderful husband kept the washer door closed for three months. I leave it open so it can dry out..hence the mold. Anyways..I found it and immediately started scrubbing....while scrubbing my oldest came and asked me if he could watch leap frog on netflix. he got the idea because he found his leap frog alphabet toy. I told him sure, to just give me a minute, and then he walked out and I overheard the following conversation between him and his brother:

Older Son: Hey! You wanna come watch me draw letters on my leap pad?
Younger Son: OK.
OS: Hey YS, do you know what they call "Z" on this?? They call it Zed...it's not "Z" it's Zed. Isn't that funny?

Then they both sit laughing. Anyone reading this might be thinking why on earth is she sharing this...but it was the sweetest most adorable exchange ever. Granted 15 minutes later OS started punching YS because I told OS he could have water instead of another chocolate milk. :/ So these sweet moments are precious.

Earlier today, while driving to school, YS suddenly looks at me and heres how the conversation went:

YS (horrified expression on his face): EEEEEEWWWWWW?
Me: What?
YS (still horrified and now slightly disgusted): EEEEWWWWWW!!! Is that YOU?
Then he grabs the collar of his shirt and lifts it to cover his nose, looks at me and says "Gross!"

I died laughing...because one I had just showered, two I didn't do anything, and three he just looked so cute and adorable. Needless to say my laughing was a horrible idea..because the rest of the ride I had both boys looking at me repeating the convo over and over and giggling.

I seriously wished that children came with a mute button...even though they were incredibly cute mashallah.

Yesterday, was OS first day of KG1, and after picking him up he started telling us about his day. Back story, after dropping him off in the morning we stopped by another school that would accept our YS into pre-k and stayed there for all of 15 minutes. So back to the story...OS is telling us about his day what he did...and the YS interrupts and says " I had fun day at my kool. I played wiv my frieeeeends......etc. etc." <3 p="">
Day before yesterday...I was buying both boys a gift for staying in their beds all night...we are going through sleep training her at my house because I am sick of sharing my bed. If I can't get me time during the day ... then please god at least let me have my bed at night! Oh..and technically OS should not have gotten a gift...because he wakes himself up every hour to make sure we are still sitting in his room which we obviously are not...and then comes into our room..wakes up my husband and gets walked back into his room...only to do it again either after an hour or if its really bad every 20 minutes. :| YS is much better...probably because he's younger. Anyways I digress...

So OS bought a beyblade and asked can we please skype with your brothers? I have to show them my new powerful beyblade!

YS then says he too wants to skype and this is the conversation he said he was going to have:

"They gonna ask me, what you have? And I going be like Tow Mater. And they going be like Where you buy it from? And I gonna be like from da tore!"

The facial expressions and tone accompanying that was priceless.

in other non-kid related news...in May I sent an email to the community center informing them that the child play area smelled like cigarettes, and that it turned out the attendants were smoking there and that they were told it was ok to smoke there. I then proceeded to write that i felt it was outrageous to allow smoking in a children's area. I never received any type of response. Today I get a call from on the attendants. I should mention one of them took my number and said we should hang out (not in a million years) and the other one was the one who called today. Anyways...she called asked how I was then said "Can I ask you a question and I hope you don't get upset" Of course I started feeling nervous...but I said yeah of course.
She was like did you send an email about us smoking?
I acted like I didn't hear...then after she asked three more times I said a long time ago yes...why? She's like no not a long time ago .. like two days ago. I said no I never sent anything two days ago..Then she said someone came and talked to them and told them there had been a complaint about them smoking...and she was like the only people there two days ago were you and the new muhajjab lady. So it had to be one of you too...
I told her that no I never sent anything in the past few days...like I said I only sent something a while ago when the entire play area smelled like smoke...but recently I have not sent anything.

Then she said something along the lines of theres the issue of getting fired. I told her I didn't understand..which to be honest I didn't...the convo was in arabic...and I wasn't sure if she was saying they got fired or they could get fired.

I've been thinking about the convo all day long, and heres my thoughts. 1. completely unprofessional of her to call me and ask that. 2. completely unprofessional of the community center to tell her we've had a complaint when they know very well there are maybe 3 people who regularly visit the childrens area and thats being generous. 3. who the hell does she think she is calling me and setting the tone of i know it was you. f you! I have every right to call and complain if something is not right. and I'm sorry but why is there the risk of being fired?? i remember when I asked if you were smoking you told me they said it was alright....soo whats the issue? Me complaining should have not been an issue if you were in fact telling the truth.

And now I feel like I can't visit the play area in the mornings anymore if they still are working there. *sigh*

I'm feeling like writing so maybe there will be more posts...maybe not. who knows.

If you really take the time to think about life, spend time flipping through old notes and pictures, you'll realize how sad life really is. Not just sad, but downright depressing.

Maybe I'm just in a sad mood, but I was just browsing my facebook posts from 9 years ago (which is this genereation's equivalent of looking through a scrapbook or photo album)..9 YEARS!!...and got really really sad. There were posts from people who I no longer speak to, not because I chose to but because life decided that persons time in my life was up. And it hurt my heart..because reading those posts I can barely even remember being with that person. Sharing with them and caring about them are memories so far gone, it's almost hard for me to believe that we ever were once that close.

I look at old pics and then the mirror and am shocked to actually see how much time has passed..to see the youth slowly but surely leaving me...slowly but surely becoming a full-fledged adult.

A few days ago I found out someone I knew got a divorce. For days now I have been feeling incredibly sad and depressed about it. Everyone gets divorced...why does it matter so much? I have no idea....but it left me heavyhearted.

And as I think about everything more and more it just becomes more clear how sad life is. How incredibly depressing our existence really is. We are born, and live only to die. Nothing matters...we are all going to die.

Just as friendships die, careers die, hopes, dreams, and ambitions die we will die. So why do I care so much?

Why does my heart ache over friendships that have slowly and suddenly withered away? Why do I despair over the divorce of people I barely know? Why do I worry about people who go out of their way to show me they don't care?

Why must I feel so much all the time? For once I'd like to feel nothing...no sadness, anxiety, moroseness, anger, hurt....just nothing. I'm tired of all these feelings rushing through me..these emotions leaving me paralyzed unable to move fully into the present and start heading towards the future.

Turning 27

So I was just getting ready to head to bed, when I hear a horrible crash, bang, thud...and then the sound of my four year old screaming out in pain. I rush to see blood dripping from his mouth...his nose all over the bedroom floor. I grab a washcloth and start dabbing his nose and applying slight pressure....no looking up or down for me. I'm a firm believer of not doing either..back will just make it pool inside and down won't do anything special.

I check his teeth, his tongue, his mouth, lips and nose for any serious injuries...al7mdulila there did not seem to be any. I check the rest of his head for any gashes or cuts that might need stitches...nothing thank god!

I try to keep him awake....scared of him getting a concussion or something. But he falls asleep and I worry if thats a bad sign. Then again is 2:20 am and any four year old would be falling asleep at this time. Bloody nose or not.

*sigh* being a mom is full of worries, stress and guilt.

I now have a mountain of pillows and comforters on his side of the bed so if he rolls off of bed again he won't hurt himself too badly...i hope.

He never falls out of bed at home...NEVER. But this mattress we're currently sleeping on..we're on summer vacation...is not the best mattress. It's a very cheap...i know that may sound snobbish..spring mattress. Even I almost fell out of bed twice already in the past two nights. I love laying on the edge and apparently my four year old does too. However with this mattress when you lay on the edge...it slants and creates a ramp that slowly slides you out of bed. I don't know if this is normal....but no other mattress I have slept on in the past 6 years has done that.

And since I have no one to blame I am blaming the mattress. But not without good reason...it really is an awful mattress.

And because when something bad happens you can't help but think of all the other things annoying you because obviously you need to be as miserable as possible...I am turning 27 on the 27th. My golden birthday..I wanted to do something special...a family lunch. But looks like thats not going to happen. First the country decides to change its weekend and make it effective two days after my birthday. Which means confusion and chaos the weekend of my birthday. Plus my dad decided that this would be the perfect time for a road trip...I don't want to, nor can I take a road trip. The road trip isn't for sure yet...but it might as well be. So I'm disappointed. yet again. I should be used to it though. The only good birthday I can remember having was when I finished 6th grade. I had a nice party with a few friends but even that was slightly disappointing seeing as the majority of people I invited ended up going to an end of the school year party set for the same day as my birthday by a more popular girl. But this was also the summer we drove across country and every stop I seemed to be able to get a birthday present. I don't think it really counts though since my sisters got to pick up a souvenir too at every stop. :/

Majority of my birthdays have been spent on an airplane. so i should be used to it by now. but i'm not. and i wanted something special this year...i really really did. for some reason my brain feels like 27 is a huge milestone. and i think i just wanted one day to be for me...to be about me. just one.

Letting out my frustrations..

Family is funny.. extended family that is, You can go an entire year or more hating them...dreading having to see them. Wishing they didn't exist..but then when you do meet up..feel happy that you have them. Today we met up with my aunt and her family and her new grandson...who is absolutely adorable mashallah!! And I was dreading it...dreading the lectures....the awkwardness...just all of it. But it was really nice..even though we didn't eat until 2 and I had a really light breakfast at 7 am, and when we did eat all they gave us was pizza. :| I understand my aunt can't cook because of her broken foot...but there are other things they could have brought other than pizza. Bleh!

I have to say....food wise..this vacation has not been good. It's been filled with cheese quesadillas and really gross leftover rice. :/ and now pizza oh well...thank god we have food to eat.


I still felt really happy and thankful and just so grateful for family. So grateful to have such an annoying clan who, though they can be annoying, rude, and sometimes mean, will always be there for me.

Anyways...while we were there, my sons started to get a little bored. My mom mentions that she brought some coloring books for them and asked if I'd like to give them to the boys now. I was thrilled! So we pull them out and they were really cool. I don't know if anyone remembers those water color books? The ones that had "magic pages" and all you needed was water and a paint brush??? Well these books were like that, except they had one of those magic markers with magic ink. Invisible on everything except the paper, and each section of the paper was a different color once you colored it. It was really cool! My two year old loved it..because he just scribbled away and was thrilled to see that his scribbling resulted in a beautiful picture. My four year old sat there for literally 2 hours coloring page after page after page. He was very precise, and made sure he was coloring inside the lines even though it didn't really matter much :D My brothers watched my boys color their first pages and then looked over to my mom and said.."did you buy any for us?" My mom and I looked at each other and were kind of shocked. They are 12 and 11...the 12 year old is headed to middle school. When my mom answered no...they both sulked and were really upset. The 12 year old kept telling my mom I cannot believe you didn't buy me one. The booklet says 3 and up....when my mom read that she laughed and said I guess they were serious about the up part.

Then the nanny brought out a bag of toys for my cousin's son who is one...so its a bunch of baby toys. My two year old who is still interested in baby toys...sometimes..was playing with the baby. My 11 year old brother grabs a toy and my son asks him if he can play with it. I feel like a normal response would be  to give the two year old the baby toy or start a game with the child. Instead he insists he was playing with the toy first and he shouldn't have to give it to the now crying two year old...or start a game with him. I mean seriously!?

This has become a venting post...so I might as well vent more frustrations towards this particular topic. My brothers and sons all wanted to box...and there are only two sets of boxing gloves. I suggested that each one gets one glove that way everyone can play. They were all playing fine and laughing...when suddenly my older son comes out on the verge of tears wearing no gloves. My younger brother follows him wearing both gloves. I quickly ask what is happening and he says that the older one of my younger brothers said, "It's not fair because I can't hit him hard so lets play by ourselves." In the middle of them playing..all of them together...nicely....laughing, having fun. And this is a constant theme with the 12 year old. He cannot for the life of him play nicely with younger kids. When he suggests they all play soccer he will take this as a time to show off his tricks and takes the game way to seriously. He has no idea how to interact with younger children.

Then theres the drama of every "injury" they get. I'm sorry but I'm  pretty sure a barefot two year old walking over your foot, by accident, does not warrant you collapsing to the floor grabbing your foot, gasping and informing everyone that your foot was just stepped on. Really? You are three times his size, 6 times his age, and he had no shoes on. You are going to seriously try and tell me that him walking over your foot caused you to have a limp?

Another incident. My youngest brother calls to me in a very annoyed voice, "Tell your son to stop stepping on my shoes, he's ruining them." When you hear that you assume that it must be something important...some kind of special shoe that will be deformed or ruined beyond repair by my two year old stomping all over it. So I ask him trying to stay as calm as possible what shoe my son is destroying. His answer??
"My flip flops." oh.my.god.

Even my dad...who really tries to take my brothers side burst out laughing at how ridiculous that was. Then my brother continues with, "You are going to owe me new flip flops if he ruins them."

What are you even supposed to say to that?!

Last but not least...and actually not really even last I'm just through with venting..is the incessant tattling and stupid stupid back handed comments. They are driving me insane! I'm dealing with a new phase of tattling with my 4 year old which I am hoping he will outgrow but looking at my brothers it seems that may not be likely. My god they tattle more than my four year old. " H did this to O" "O did this to H" and I'm just like...if they don't have a problem with it then I don't need to know!!!

I seem to remember being great with kids at age 12...and so were my sisters...well at least one of them. Maybe my memory is foggy....maybe its just true what they say...girls mature faster than boys. But whatever the hell it is...I am incredibly frustrated and really thinking that maybe an almost 3 month vacation with them was a horrible horrible idea. :|

Then there are the moments when they all play nicely and I'm like ok...why can't you be this way all the time?

In other news....I will be 27 in 3 days...less than 3 since its currently 11:35pm right now. Insane!!!!

Every summer or really anytime I get together with my family I always have my expectations crushed. I always expect this wonderful gathering, my brothers and sons playing nicely together..but that never happens. Instead its filled with my brothers crying. My brothers are 11 and 12...my sons 4 and 2.

Its the most ridiculous thing ever! Like seriously ridiculous....and it drives me insane. and I have no idea why I'm so surprised every time it happens.

You would think an 11 and 12 year old would be able to play nicely with two preschoolers, be old enough to have the understanding towards them that older people have. But nope!

Instead they use them as scape goats...blame EVERYTHING on them..even things that were not their fault.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I decided that I had had enough of being scratched by my boys claws (I guess this is a Mommy Confessions post too!), and decided to cut their nails..FINALLY.

So I walked into the room they were sitting in and asked who's first, of course my oldest volunteered his younger brother. This is the conversation I had with my oldest while cutting his brothers nails:

OS: Mommy I wish YS had six hands.
Me: Six hands!!! Why?
OS: Because then it would be sooooo long and I could do lots of fun things.

took me a second to understand what he meant, until I realized the obvious. He wanted his brothers turn to be longer and the logical way to make that happen would be to give him more hands. It cracked me up, and I thought it was pretty clever thinking on his part. :)

In less than a month he's going to graduate from pre-k and start KG1. It makes me so sad...how is the little baby who grabbed my finger and looked up at me with his face covered by a huge pacifier already on his way to college?! Where did the time go??? *sigh*

I'm proud of him though and proud of myself for keeping alive this long. lol

A funny thing YS said on the way to school, just so he doesn't feel left out. :P

OS: YS is a stegasaurus, and i'm a t-rex.
YS: No I NOT! *funniest look ever* I blue banana.
OS: A BLUE BANANA *dies laughing*

It was the funniest convo ever. I love when they get along and make each other laugh. warms my heart.

Kid's Q & A

I found this on another blog, and thought I would do it with my oldest who is four. These are the answers he gave me. I tried with my youngest who is two and all his answers were cinnamon because he was eating cinnamon with apples.


What does Mommy always say to you?
"I love you"

What makes Mommy happy?"When I'm being good and when I'm being bad it makes you angry"

What makes Mommy sad?"I don't know"

How does Mommy make you laugh?"When you tickle me"

How old is Mommy?"9"

How tall is Mommy?
"Hand motion showing my height equal to his"

What doesn't Mommy like to do?"Not wake up"
(he means I hate waking up in the morning)


What is Mommy's job?"To keep me safe"

What is Mommy's favorite food?"The fish that I don't like"


How do you know Mommy loves you?"From my pictures"


With Baba

What does Daddy always say to you?"I love you"

What makes Daddy happy?"when i don't do something bad"

What makes Daddy sad?"I dont know"

How does Daddy make you laugh?"when he tickles me"

How old is Daddy?"Umm..64"

How tall is Daddy?
"Reaches his hands as high as he can"

What doesn't Daddy like to do?"Not wake up"

What is Daddy's job?"to keep me safe..no..uh..work"

What is Daddy's favorite food?
"the fish that i don't like"

How do you know Daddy loves you?
"umm. because he says i love you."