I try to relax, meditate in the silence. But the silence is what makes things worse. It sends my mind rushing back to thoughts of you. Back to the feel of your embrace. Back to that first kiss. I find myself spiraling down further into the depression I feel..so I tense up. Close off, and envelop myself in the stress. Hide my feelings and my heart beneath the chaos. Will it always be this way?

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Mommy! Mommy! Hanoo where are my keys? Did you see my phone? Whats the plan for today? What do you want to do? Can we watch Cars? Can we buy a dog? I had an accident! I did poopoo! Omar spilled the water! Omar colored on the couch! Hamza won't share. I want.. I want...I want.. I neeed I neeed I neeed..Laundry, dishes, dinner, breakfast, lunch, snack, water, juice, treat, potty, diaper, clothes, vacuum, dust, fold, organize, pick up toys, step on toys, pick up toys, step on toys. break toys. cry.

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I can clear my head of everything and everyone but you. You hide in the corners of my mind, waiting for my undivided attention. You are always there lurking beneath the chaos, but you prefer to jump out when I'm all alone. To intensify the hurt I guess. To make me really concentrate on the pain of loss and heart ache. to make me question my entire existence. to make me realize it was all my fault.

well this sucks...i just undrafted a bunch of drafts that i actually liked and thought for some crazy reason they would be put in chronological order...guess not. :/ ugh!

and now i have no idea when they were originally published...and i kinda wanted to remember that. f u blogger!

Today I had a moment...a moment where I was 100% fine with being 26....and completely okay with the fact that my 27th birthday (ahem golden birthday) is only 4 months away. I didn't feel like i couldn't breathe, i didn't feel like i'm suddenly ancient...i was genuinely happy. I mean i still feel at peace with my age...but other stuff and emotions and things came up and replaced that zen feeling.

It was amazing! still is amazing....i just feel comfortable. I am becoming a little less shy...a little more social (not in a disgusting way)...i just like me. yes high school was fun...and college days were wonderful...but i was so insecure....i still am...but back then i was insanely insecure. so yes...i no longer have this gut wrenching feeling about being 26...and turning 27. i'm feeling good about it and kind of excited...my life isn't over unless i say it is.

and even though i feel so amazing...my poor heart is aching. :'( sigh i've given up hope thinking it will ever stop. oh well..this is life.

Cloud 9

I have two sons, my oldest got a lot closer to his dad when my youngest was born. So much so, that he'd request and prefer his dad to me. Lately though, he has been wanting me..which I'm not going to lie makes me sooooooo happy! :D Unfortunately though, the younger one needs me too...and I feel torn because since the older one is older its just natural for him to get the shorter end of the straw..that's the way it always is i think.

Tonight, while putting them to bed, the older one told his dad, "I want Mommy, to put me to sleep." and he started to cry. It broke my heart, so I got out of the younger one's bed, and climbed into bed with him. THe younger one will not let ANYONE else put him to bed, he was screaming so loud I had to have my husband take him out of the room.

My oldest was thrilled with the attention, and was soo happy to be cuddling with me. He kept talking with me, and I was telling him how much I love him, and how much everyone in our family loves him, and how much his little brother loves him. He interrupted me with, "I don't think he loves me. He always hits me and head butts me and screams...and stuff"

I told him no that's not true...he loves you very much. And I shared a story of my younger sister hitting me in the eyebrow with a matchbox car and making me bleed. I said no one can like someone all the time, it doesn't mean that we don't still love the person though. I told him that sometimes he doesn't like me or his dad...but we still love each other.

He smiled and told me , "Yeah..I get it. But you know? Baba isn't strong, he isn't strong enough to deal with sick boys, he can't deal with me when I'm sick. Only Mommy can deal with me when I'm sick." It made me heart melt. It had to be the sweetest moment of my life. The most amazing feeling ever to know that even though he chooses his dad over me the majority of the time...he still needs his mommy, and he always will. And it was so sweet and precious when he told me he got it...and I know he does. He is such a smart little boy...I mean how many almost 4 year olds do you know that can properly use the word apparently in a sentence???

ON a side note...it is incredibly hard to make friends. I never realized how easy I had it in school...you're kind of just forced into friendships. Some last some don't but if you're like me...you'll find yourself a mommy of two with no adult friends you can really relate to and see a future with. I met someone here and we are nearly identical in personality. lol I move fast and want to say shes my best friend...but I know how insane that sounds...I mean we've only hung out a total of three times...but i think the saying about love can apply to friends too...sometimes you just know. hahaha

Today we had a couples date...with the boys. and it was NICE! it was really really nice! the boys were not terrible monsters and we all enjoyed each others company. But it got me thinking about friends and making them and I never ever went out of my way to make friends...ever. I kind of just ended up with friends....I am however going to make an effort to make friends more often because maybe those are the ones that last...the ones you actually try with...

"Henry Crawford had destroyed her happiness, but he should not know that he had done it; he should not destroy her credit,her appearance, prosperity, too. He should not have to think of her as pining in the retirement of Mansfield for him, rejecting Sotherton and London, independence and splendour, for his sake. Independence was more needful than ever; the want of it at Mansfield more sensibly felt. She was less and less able to endure the restraint which her father imposed. The liberty which his absence had given was now become absolutely necessary. She must escape from him and Mansfield as soon as possible, and find consolation in fortune and consequence, bustle and the world, for a wounded spirit. Her mind was quite determined, and varied not.

To such feelings delay, even the delay of much preparation, would have been an evil, and Mr. Rushworth could hardly be more impatient for the marriage than herself. In all the important preparations of the mind she was complete: being prepared for matrimony by an hatred of home, restraint, and tranquility; by the misery of disappointed affection, and contempt of the man she was to marry. The rest might wait. The preparations of new carriages and furniture might wait for London and spring, when her own taste could have fairer play.

The principals being all agreed in this respect, it soon appeared that a very few weeks would be sufficient for such arrangements as must precede the wedding." -Mansfield Park, Jane Austen

This is how I feel sometimes, there are paragraphs before this one that also apply...but reading this one..broke my heart, because I can relate. I don't know if its meant to be relatable or not...but it is, for me, very much so.