My oldest is the sweetest four year old I know, so so incredibly sweet. This morning his brother wanted his toy, so I asked him to find another toy for his younger brother. He walked his brother out of our bedroom and this was the conversation leaving and coming back,

"Come on, we'll find you another toy."
"Otay"
tiny footsteps running outside, and then coming back in.
"Here let me help you. Here silly let me put the mask on you. Baba, baba look he's batman!"

and earlier in the week we had a flat tire, so my husband called a cab to take the boys and I home (it was their bedtime) and the littlest one laid his head on his older brothers lap, and my sweet little boy, hugged him to him and then rubbed his head. It was the sweetest moment ever.

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My youngest for as long as he could walk and realize that things could be put in pockets has been thinking that his pant leg is his pocket. When it was winter time it worked out fine, since the cuff of his pants would keep whatever he was storing in his "pocket" safe. When summer rolled around he tried putting stuff in his "pocket", but his shorts -- well they have no cuff, so he'd try putting things in his "pocket" and they'd just fall right back out. He would be so frustrated trying to figure out why things would stay in his brothers pocket but not his. Lately, well actually for the past 5-6 months, he has been giving us things from his "pocket". At the play area, while jumping on the trampoline, he'll stop to give me and his dad cotton candy. Sometimes its food...but the past two nights...at bedtime, when we've turned off the lights and have told him and his brother time to sleep, he'll sit up, reach up his pajama pant leg, and tell me, "Here mommy, yucky orange fish." then he'll crawl out of bed, and reach down to give a yucky orange fish to his dad and his older brother. Why on earth he'd think we need a yucky orange fish is beyond me. and why does it have to be yucky?? At first he said orange fish, and so i pretended to eat it and he said no no its yucky orange fish. Kids!

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Bedtime means quiet, silence, sleep. My boys, like most boys, don't seem to understand that. Tonight, my youngest was holding a helicopter toy that has buttons that make real helicopter sounds. He clicked it once, I asked him not to do it again, his reply? "Oh solly"
Then a few minutes later he clicks it again, I tell him again, no clicking the buttons, "Oh solly"
FInally the third time I take it away, and he cries and promises he won't do it again. So I give it back...and not two seconds of having it he clicks the button and immediately says, "Oh solly" Needless to say I took it away, but not before laughing. I couldn't help it...it was soooo soooo funny!

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Yesterday during bedtime rituals I was helping to get my boys ready, when my four year old suddenly tells me, "thank you mommy, for not letting me sneeze." Knowing me and my family, we are very very sarcastic. So my first reaction was omg he's being sarcastic..but then he followed up with, "I mean that nicely mommy." which melted my heart but also made me feel a sort of pride that he can differentiate and understand the difference between sarcasm and well everything else. and the back story behind the sneeze is if I feel a sneeze coming on and someone so much as breathes loudly it will go away and I get REALLY annoyed. Apparently my boys have inherited that, and he was happy not to be sneezing because he had just sneezed three times before (he has a cold :( poor baby!)

My oldest son and I were reading a book, and the word immense came up. So I stopped and asked him if he knew what immense meant, and he said "Yes. It means big." I was so proud of him, and told him so, and started reading again when he interrupted to tell me "Mommy, you're immense." Part of me wanted to cry lool because no one wants to be called immense, the other knew that he meant big in a nicer way..not fat but literally just bigger than him, so I hugged him and let him know I was proud of him for trying to expand his four year old vocabulary and use big words properly. even if my feelings did get hurt a little bit (although they really shouldn't have)

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Both of my boys end up in our bed sometime during the night, this is all my husbands doing. He is a very light sleeper and also very impatient. So when he hears them cry, he immediately runs to their room, and instead of trying to get them back to sleep, carries them to our bed. My 4 year old doesn't cry out anymore, he just wakes up and walks himself right on into our room and climbs into bed with us. :( I really hope they outgrow it because I've had about enough of being kicked and shoved nearly off the bed. Anyways..to the point..last night my youngest out of nowhere started screaming at 4 am...he was sound asleep and suddenly started shrieking. When we finally realized what he was saying I was able to calm him down. 4 am and my two year old is screaming that he wants pizza. I dunno what kind of dream he was having that made him wake up screaming demands for pizza but it must have been really bad. It took a while for him to calm down and fall back asleep...after many promises of pizza in the morning.

My youngest toay, or rather tonight was telling me about the cat he chased a few months ago. before i get into that story, he has gotten into the habit lately of asking me if I remember things....random things. So before falling asleep I will get a slew of questions... "Mommy, member buzz ightyear?" "Mommy, member woody?" So tonight after a bunch of Mommy member questions he said "Mommy, member cat? I chase cat, cat scared, cat want go to sleep" I replied with yeah he didn't like being chased very much, he wanted to rest, to which he said, "I feed cat" "what did you feed him?" "A stick." It made me laugh because for some reason he seems to think a stick or a leaf or a rock basically anything he can find on the ground is suitable food for any animal he is chasing. Last weekend we were at a farm and there was a dog...who wanted nothing to do with him. And poor dog was being chased after and having sticks shoved in his face, with my son yelling "Dog eat dog eat!"

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My youngest's favorite knock knock joke is this... "knock knock, who's there, cock-a-doodle-doo, cock-a-doodle-doo who? What?! I can't hear you bert i have a banana in my ear." He made it up, obviously.. but the last part was taken from one of his favorite sesame street clips with bert and ernie. being his mom i find it absolutely adorable and so so smart! :)

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I am always trying to persuade and convince my boys that healthy foods are much better than junk food. I don't want them to have the same bad eating habits i have...i have HORRIBLE eating habits!! So my technique was to point out all the ways healthy foods are good for you..what vitamins they contain how they make you stronger...it backfired because my clever oldest son now uses it against me...while eating an ice cream, or chips, or anything i have told them is bad for them.. he will say "this is really good for you, it has vitamin l and vitamin r and makes your muscles so strong." And being a preschooler he is so sure of himself and his understanding of the world and being my son he feels he is never wrong. And when he thinks I may be winning the argument he'll end it with well god told me that. god said this is good for you. how can i win?!

More funny kid stories..

About two week ago maybe more (not that it matters at all) my sons watched The Brave Little Toaster to the Rescue, which is basically the sequel to the first one. There was a song in that movie that my oldest reallllyyy loved. All last week he had been begging me to sing that song for him, problem is I couldn't for the life of me remember the lyrics and we were never next to the laptop so that I could turn on the movie and figure it out. Finally after getting tired of me telling him I don't know the lyrics he decided he was going to write them down for me. Keep in mind my son is 4 years old and the only thing he knows how to write is his name and a few random letters. :S So he grabs a paper and pen and starts writing. When he's finished he hands it to me, and it looks like a bunch of drawings of all the characters...there was a vacuum, a toaster, a blanket...etc. He was like okay Mommy, now sing it, i wrote down the lyrics. I looked at him, and looked down at "the lyrics" and tried to figure out how to get out of this mess. So I lamely said, I still can't remember. He freaked out and was really really REALLY upset. I mean he wrote them down and everything!? what was my problem?!

Today though I miraculously found the song on youtube...he was thrilled and so was his little brother we have been singing it together all morning. :) In case anyone else wants to give it a listen here's a link to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCHkVuWghDU

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My oldest turned four last week, the tenth of march to be exact, and we were planning to have a cake in his class the day of his birthday, and then a party on the weekend. My son went to his teacher the day before, and told her tomorrow is my birthday and none of my friends are invited. None of them can come. He came home that day and told me, and I corrected him and said that we would be sharing his special day with his friends and he said, "No Mommy! No! We can't!!! I already told Miss Farah that none of them are invited! We can't have a party now, we can't!"
Kids are so odd sometimes :D

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I'm potty-training my youngest who is two, and lately I've just been having him run around with no diaper and he has been doing fine. When he feels like he needs to go he runs to his little potty and uses it. This particular day I was folding laundry and saw one of his underpants. I thought it was probably best for him to wear them rather than run around half naked. So I called him over, put them on, and walked over to the kitchen for less than 5 minutes. I came back into the living room and he was gone. I called him and called him, and then noticed him lying under the couch. As I got closer I noticed he was lying under the couch in a puddle of pee. :| Whhhyyyyyyy????!?!?!?!?!?! I mean all day long not one accident he was using the potty and everything...the second he gets underpants on he does this?! It was incredibly difficult cleaning up that mess...I have no idea how he can fit himself under that couch. 

So .. Friday was my son's birthday party. 3 out of the 9 kids in his class came, along with two family friends, plus 6 neighborhood kid...so 11 kids in total. oh and his brother...12, and him..13, and one of the kids siblings..14. 14 kids...hmmm not bad..not bad at all. :D

I brought gator golf, and play dough, and bubbles and bowling, and i made a pin the tail on the donkey game. oh and i painted faces. seems like the kids had fun..so that was good. I mean all three kids from his class did not want to go home....so i'm assuming that means they enjoyed themselves.

what else, what else??

I can't think...my heart hurts tooooo much and i feel depressed. I'm in a "I can't believe this is my life" mood. blah!

A fun busy day today..where for a day I didn't feel like I was living in Saudi Arabia. We woke up bright and early, had some breakfast (egg burritos in case anyone was wondering) and piled into the car for a morning at the farm. It wasn't the type of farm you are all thinking of..no animals, no sheep...it was a legit farm. like the kind where they grow food. and it was an organic farm...and we got to buy produce which I am very excited about because i have been slowly slowly trying to become organic...trying to eat healthier.

Anyways..it was a small 7-acre farm, but it was BEAUTIFUL. If anyone has ever been to Saudi Arabia it is desert...everywhere...with a few random patches of grass they planted for decoration. It is depressing beige everywhere you look with a dusty brown haze in the sky a lot of the time. So we walk into this farm and hear birds chirping, can smell fresh air!! it was breathtaking...and just what I needed to lift my spirits. There were all kinds of foods...kale, tomatoes, lemon trees, orange, arugula, mint, spearmint, etc... I loved it! and after 4 hours of walking through the farm, meeting people, having a snack...we drove home for a 2 hour rest before heading to my son's school for their International Night.

We got there 4 pm...and didn't leave until 7. It was amazing!!! it was just ...wow...passed my expectations by like i can't even explain. we loved it...there were booths of a bunch of different countries...foods (yum!!)... free foods!! (yummier!!!)...and the saudi booth had a horse and a camel...and guess who rode a camel?! yes me! it was awesome! although the poor camel looked reeeaaallllyyy unhealthy . it had green foam coming from its mouth and flies covering its entire nose area. :S my son (the older one..he rode with me and the younger one rode with his dad) asked me why does he have flies on his face? I told him I didn't know...on the drive home..he says, "Mommy? Camels are old..so thats why it had flies on his face. But horses are new and thats why they don't have flies." It made me laugh! the way his mind works amazes me. I mean how smart is that to think that flies are attracted to old things...so thats why the camel had flies because hes obviously an older kind of animal..whereas horses are newer and therefore do not attract flies. sooo smart!

anyways..back to the international night. I rode a freaking camel!!! so cool!!! and there were dance shows, circus acts, singing...all kid driven by the way... there were children on unicycles!!!! soooo awesome!

and then inside the gym they had arts and crafts for the kids...and a bouncy house.

Needless to say it was a buuuuussssyy fun-filled day and we all really enjoyed ourselves.

And I need a rest...but tomorrow we are having a bday party for my son and inviting a few of his friends from school...welll actually all of them..but only 3 rsvped. so yeah.. 3 outta 9...thats not bad.. is it? :S

eh whatever!

oh...and socializing is really starting to exhaust me. I'm excited at the prospect of making new friends...but it exhausts me.. it physically drains me. I don't know why..sigh!

anywhooooo.....its 1 am...we have guests arriving at 3 pm...and of course all the preparing and  such so i am off to bed. nighty night world!

Let go of the hate,
of the anger,
of the dream of smashing your head against a freshly painted wall and watching the blood splatter beautifully across the starkness.
Feel the load being lifted as you choose forgiveness over revenge.
Feel the peace in your soul as you begin to realize forgiveness/forgetting just means one less thing to worry about.

Mommy confessions:

Sometimes I let my kids eat things that have fallen on the ground, I'd rather they eat it then deal with the melt down that would happen if I didn't.

I secretly feel proud when my kid hits a bully that has been bullying him or other kids.

When I tell you every kid develops at their own pace, I'm really thinking "IN YOUR FACE!!! my kid is better than yours...damn right hes better than yours! he could teach yours but we'd have to charge"  i know inappropriate song reference.

There have been days when I leave the house without brushing my hair...or my teeth, and sometimes I go a week without showering.

There are moments when I want to scream at my kid "GOD DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET IT?!"

I have more than once dealt with a wet bed by throwing a towel over the wet part...and if its really wet throwing a stack of towels over the wet part.

I don't bathe my kids daily, sometimes every other day proves to be too difficult.

I wear the same clothes for an entire week (I'm in Saudi Arabia...we wear Abayas.. no one sees my clothes anyways, whats the point?)

I leave my nail polish on until it disappears on its own...who has time for nail polish remover?!

Yesterday I was skyping with my mom, and sharing all the crazy funny stories of my boys..she could not stop laughing. Between all the laughing she said "Hannah, you need to get these down, you need to save these, write a book or something."

I dunno about writing a book...I mean who else would want to read these stories? Actually she may have something...I mean if a guy can publish a book showing his online email pranks then I'm pretty sure a book with short stories about preschoolers would possibly be popular. But like I said...not so sure about the book...but definitely going to be posting the stories here on my blog. anyways..here are a few recent stories...

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My oldest son, he just turned 4 today, was walking with me a few weeks ago. I started to tell him our plans for the evening and the fact that since we were planning to stay up later he would need to have some quiet time (my convincing way of telling him he needs a nap..his younger brother takes naps but because he's a big boy he takes quiet time). He started to get upset, and reason with me about how not tired he was even though you could see and hear the exhaustion on his face and through his screams..no shrieks. Finally, he calmed down..and told me he wanted to take his nap in my bed, though he called it Baba's (what he calls his dad) bed. I apologized and explained that quiet time, bed time, any type of sleeping was to be done in his bed..no discussion. He sighed, looked up at me completely serious and said, "I have rights, and I want to sleep in Baba's bed." What do you reply to a three year old who has just told you he feels his rights are being abused?! Where do kids get this stuuf???

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I've started to potty train my youngest, he turned two in November, and he's been doing pretty good. I won't say there haven't been accidents...because of course there have been...but the worst accident (if you can even call it that) happened a few days ago. I was doing something in the living room, when he comes running to me telling me he did poo-poo..mind you he was extremely excited. So I look in his potty and to my horror there is nothing there...I look at him and ask as calmly as I can..where did you do poo-poo? He grabs my hand and says, "Come here, I show you." He walks me to the dining room..THE DINING ROOM!!! of alllll the rooms in the house he chose there, and points under our table. :| There it lay...on the rug, under the table where we eat. I explained for what felt like the zillionth time that we use the potty when we need to do poo poo or pee pee. He giggled and ran away, leaving me to clean up the mess. It gets worse...before this happened I had set the table because my husband would be home soon and we were going to have dinner. So he walks in and we head to the dining room. My youngest's spoon is nowhere to be found...I look down and find it on the floor...thinking to myself ugh not only did he poop on the floor but he threw the silverware on the ground. But noooo...my son is much too creative for that...the spoon when I picked it up had what looked like dried on food...I started wiping it off when my heart sinks...I smell what I assumed were food particles...only to realize my innocent little two year old..took his spoon and tried to cut into the feces he had left under the table. He tried to cut his poop?!?! WHHHHYYYYYY?!?!?! what was going through his mind...why would you do this?! whyyyy?!

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On a less funny note..yesterday while driving home from school....correction, while being driven home from school. My youngest was napping as usual, and my oldest was playing a game on the ipad. Suddenly I heard the cough. ..the cough that I think most moms can relate too. The one that warns you that any second there will be vomit...everywhere. I panic and start rummaging through my purse looking for the plastic bag I had started carrying since the last throw up incident in public. But there wasn't enough time...the cough was insistent...he was going to throw up now. Now let me lay out the seating arrangement...I'm sitting on one end of the bench, my eldest in his car seat in the middle, and my youngest at the other end in his car seat. So I can tell he is going to throw up right now...I reach over my eldest, and throw my hand under my youngest's mouth...sickly sweet yet sour smelling chocolatey milk mucusy throw up fills my hand...I do a balancing act trying for the life of me to keep the majority of it in my hand which if you've ever tried filling your hand with water know is incredibly difficult to do. I try to balance, while my free hand is still rummaging through my purse ...desperate to find something...anything to salvage the car seat and his pants. And i find it! a tiny zip lock baggy that I had forgotten to throw out....THANK GOD! the cough again....I shove the baggy under his chin strategically just as he starts again...and miraculously it all makes it into the bag...with my clean hand i rummage again and pull out a bag of wipes and wipe down my hand...cleaning off the vomit, but not the nasty smell. I can now better place the baggy and let him finish. Once hes done...i wipe down the harness straps, and start trying to wipe his shirt...but decide its best to just let him ride home shirtless. The important part is aside from the harness straps miraculously the only thing that was ruined by vomit was my baby's shirt. Ahhh.....the joys of motherhood.

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As any mother knows...when its the middle of the night and you here that foreboding cough, and you run as fast as you can to get there in time to save the sheets, the blankets, the pillow, and their jammies. But you also know to bring something to catch the vomit in. Weeell...my husband is not the best when it comes to stress. He cannot think fast and kinda goes a little crazy. One day we heard that cough....but he got to the room just as my son was about to throw up and he had nothing to catch the vomit in. Another tip? If all else fails use the blanket to catch the vomit because it is the easiest thing to remove and replace. Yeah, my husband didn't get the memo...he grabs mys now vomitting son and runs across our carpetted floor to the bathroom, and tries to get him over the toilet, only to find the toilet closed, so he moves him to the sink. I was livid when I got to the room, because now we had vomit all over my sons bed, all over his pajamas, a trail leading to the bathroom and all over the bathroom floor, vomit on the toilet lid, and vomit all over the bathroom counter and in the sink. I wanted to cry and yell and scream..so of course I yelled at my husband. Why on earth would he think carrying a vomitting child across a room would be a good idea. His excuse was he wasn't thinking...well how incredibly convenient for him! :D

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Thats all I can remember for now...but I'm sure there will be pleeeeenty more! :D Oh and the last one is not that recent...its from like a year ago.

Shallow breaths are all I can take, I feel so suffocated..so trapped. It seems everywhere I turn there's another wall, no doors to open, no windows to let in the light. Day by day the room keeps getting smaller-- turning, moving, hoping all becoming so difficult to do. I need air, I need space..I need to feel the wind blowing through my hair, the sun warming my skin. I want to free every caged animal in hopes of somehow freeing my soul from the torments of the bars encasing it. Days, weeks, months all blending together. Nothing changes...nothing new. I'm choking on the dust slowly filling my tiny prison. The bars around my soul keep getting tighter. I'm told my eyes look dim, how can anyone tell when there are no windows, no doors? Will it ever get any better?

I try to relax, meditate in the silence. But the silence is what makes things worse. It sends my mind rushing back to thoughts of you. Back to the feel of your embrace. Back to that first kiss. I find myself spiraling down further into the depression I feel..so I tense up. Close off, and envelop myself in the stress. Hide my feelings and my heart beneath the chaos. Will it always be this way?

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Mommy! Mommy! Hanoo where are my keys? Did you see my phone? Whats the plan for today? What do you want to do? Can we watch Cars? Can we buy a dog? I had an accident! I did poopoo! Omar spilled the water! Omar colored on the couch! Hamza won't share. I want.. I want...I want.. I neeed I neeed I neeed..Laundry, dishes, dinner, breakfast, lunch, snack, water, juice, treat, potty, diaper, clothes, vacuum, dust, fold, organize, pick up toys, step on toys, pick up toys, step on toys. break toys. cry.

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I can clear my head of everything and everyone but you. You hide in the corners of my mind, waiting for my undivided attention. You are always there lurking beneath the chaos, but you prefer to jump out when I'm all alone. To intensify the hurt I guess. To make me really concentrate on the pain of loss and heart ache. to make me question my entire existence. to make me realize it was all my fault.

well this sucks...i just undrafted a bunch of drafts that i actually liked and thought for some crazy reason they would be put in chronological order...guess not. :/ ugh!

and now i have no idea when they were originally published...and i kinda wanted to remember that. f u blogger!

Today I had a moment...a moment where I was 100% fine with being 26....and completely okay with the fact that my 27th birthday (ahem golden birthday) is only 4 months away. I didn't feel like i couldn't breathe, i didn't feel like i'm suddenly ancient...i was genuinely happy. I mean i still feel at peace with my age...but other stuff and emotions and things came up and replaced that zen feeling.

It was amazing! still is amazing....i just feel comfortable. I am becoming a little less shy...a little more social (not in a disgusting way)...i just like me. yes high school was fun...and college days were wonderful...but i was so insecure....i still am...but back then i was insanely insecure. so yes...i no longer have this gut wrenching feeling about being 26...and turning 27. i'm feeling good about it and kind of excited...my life isn't over unless i say it is.

and even though i feel so amazing...my poor heart is aching. :'( sigh i've given up hope thinking it will ever stop. oh well..this is life.

Cloud 9

I have two sons, my oldest got a lot closer to his dad when my youngest was born. So much so, that he'd request and prefer his dad to me. Lately though, he has been wanting me..which I'm not going to lie makes me sooooooo happy! :D Unfortunately though, the younger one needs me too...and I feel torn because since the older one is older its just natural for him to get the shorter end of the straw..that's the way it always is i think.

Tonight, while putting them to bed, the older one told his dad, "I want Mommy, to put me to sleep." and he started to cry. It broke my heart, so I got out of the younger one's bed, and climbed into bed with him. THe younger one will not let ANYONE else put him to bed, he was screaming so loud I had to have my husband take him out of the room.

My oldest was thrilled with the attention, and was soo happy to be cuddling with me. He kept talking with me, and I was telling him how much I love him, and how much everyone in our family loves him, and how much his little brother loves him. He interrupted me with, "I don't think he loves me. He always hits me and head butts me and screams...and stuff"

I told him no that's not true...he loves you very much. And I shared a story of my younger sister hitting me in the eyebrow with a matchbox car and making me bleed. I said no one can like someone all the time, it doesn't mean that we don't still love the person though. I told him that sometimes he doesn't like me or his dad...but we still love each other.

He smiled and told me , "Yeah..I get it. But you know? Baba isn't strong, he isn't strong enough to deal with sick boys, he can't deal with me when I'm sick. Only Mommy can deal with me when I'm sick." It made me heart melt. It had to be the sweetest moment of my life. The most amazing feeling ever to know that even though he chooses his dad over me the majority of the time...he still needs his mommy, and he always will. And it was so sweet and precious when he told me he got it...and I know he does. He is such a smart little boy...I mean how many almost 4 year olds do you know that can properly use the word apparently in a sentence???

ON a side note...it is incredibly hard to make friends. I never realized how easy I had it in school...you're kind of just forced into friendships. Some last some don't but if you're like me...you'll find yourself a mommy of two with no adult friends you can really relate to and see a future with. I met someone here and we are nearly identical in personality. lol I move fast and want to say shes my best friend...but I know how insane that sounds...I mean we've only hung out a total of three times...but i think the saying about love can apply to friends too...sometimes you just know. hahaha

Today we had a couples date...with the boys. and it was NICE! it was really really nice! the boys were not terrible monsters and we all enjoyed each others company. But it got me thinking about friends and making them and I never ever went out of my way to make friends...ever. I kind of just ended up with friends....I am however going to make an effort to make friends more often because maybe those are the ones that last...the ones you actually try with...

"Henry Crawford had destroyed her happiness, but he should not know that he had done it; he should not destroy her credit,her appearance, prosperity, too. He should not have to think of her as pining in the retirement of Mansfield for him, rejecting Sotherton and London, independence and splendour, for his sake. Independence was more needful than ever; the want of it at Mansfield more sensibly felt. She was less and less able to endure the restraint which her father imposed. The liberty which his absence had given was now become absolutely necessary. She must escape from him and Mansfield as soon as possible, and find consolation in fortune and consequence, bustle and the world, for a wounded spirit. Her mind was quite determined, and varied not.

To such feelings delay, even the delay of much preparation, would have been an evil, and Mr. Rushworth could hardly be more impatient for the marriage than herself. In all the important preparations of the mind she was complete: being prepared for matrimony by an hatred of home, restraint, and tranquility; by the misery of disappointed affection, and contempt of the man she was to marry. The rest might wait. The preparations of new carriages and furniture might wait for London and spring, when her own taste could have fairer play.

The principals being all agreed in this respect, it soon appeared that a very few weeks would be sufficient for such arrangements as must precede the wedding." -Mansfield Park, Jane Austen

This is how I feel sometimes, there are paragraphs before this one that also apply...but reading this one..broke my heart, because I can relate. I don't know if its meant to be relatable or not...but it is, for me, very much so.

So one of the women I met last Tuesday works for a not for profit organization that helps with the empowerment of women in Saudi Arabia. Of course I was instantly interested with everything she had to say, and my husband laughed and told her well my wife would like you to help make driving for women happen. She laughed and then said something that I never even thought of...

She started talking about how the driving issue they have put on the back burner and are currently working on trying to get rid of the whole mahram permission thing happening in KSA, which is basically that a woman needs permission of her male guardian, be it her husband, her father, her son, her uncle...you get the point I'm sure..to do pretty much anything, get a job, leave the country.

She said we recently have started going backwards in that now the male guardian not only has to sign a paper granting the woman permission, but after she hands in the paper he receives a text message informing him and I guess also checking that he did indeed grant her permission.

My cousin was telling me about this a few weeks ago, and it made me sick...I mean what are we property?

Anyways..she said so think about this..when a woman tries driving who gets in trouble? Her husband, or her father, or her brother, or whatever male guardian is in charge of her..so they basically have taken away any choice...any anything really and made her completely helpless. Then she said once that is taken away..then the only person responsible for her actions is her. She said theeeen...she can go out on the road and drive...and if enough women do it at once...they really can't do much.

And I dunno it made a lot of sense...and i think my watered down explanation doesn't really do it justice...but I definitely agree that the first step would be giving back women their right to make their own decisions.

*sigh* I am sick of living in a country where I am ignored, where questions that should be directed to me are directed to my husband. where I am helpless, dependent, and thought of as the property of my husband. I've only been here four months...but it feels endless. I just want to go home, and this country is not my home.

which brings me to the next point...the guilt of feeling like somehow I've betrayed someone for like seriously hating Saudi Arabia and really all Arabs. I'm quite alright with being thought of as The American. I take it as a compliment....this country and its people disgust me. now i should say that it isn't everyone and there are nice people...but its really hard to do when you take your kid to the playground and the sand is filled with trash and broken glass everywhere and he nearly gets poked in the eye with glass when he trips into the sand. and to make matters worse to hear that that playground is cleaned daily every morning, when going there it looks like its been years since it has ever been cleaned.

Starting Fresh

New year...yes I know we're already a month into it, but I decided its time to start fresh. Also I just couldn't stand any of my posts -- so they have all been reverted to drafts. :D I might re-publish a few of the poems (if you can call them that) that I really loved. but other than that...fresh start.

I have been trying really really hard to make sure my family is eating healthy. Less junk food, less candies. I've been cooking dinner nearly every night and making sure they both have healthy, filling breakfasts and a good substantial lunch. But let me tell you...it's hard! With two picky eaters?! Its really really hard! Luckily my 4 year old listens more so when I say eat your dinner he'll eat it .. like it or not. My 2 year old on the other hand...if he doesn't like it he is sure to let me know! He'll spit it out until theres nothing left to spit out...and still keep spitting.

I've also been coming out of my shell a bit and socializing a whole lot more...which fr those who know me is a HUGE deal! I mean just today I went out with a group of people I never met. 2 single guys, 3 single girls, and a couple and their one year old daughter....and on top of that I actually participated in the conversation!!! Normally I would have hidden in the corner with the one year old and my sons and tried to make myself invisible. But I didn't! I am sooo proud of me! :D

And I am planning on planning (lool thats funny!) a kinda spa date with another woman on my compound. I met her once and loved her! She's blunt and sarcastic and just plain amazing! I just wish she had kids...but all in good time! She's newly married...like 5 months or something. but she is just so cool and i want to be her best friend. I'm also actually considering getting a baby sitter for the boys so we can double date with her and her husband. My husband hates her because her sense of humor is exactly like mine..but you know what??? whoo cares!!! :D

I've also been doing a lot of baking....but healthy baking! My most recent thing is Apple Carrot Coconut Muffins. The boys hated them, i think because of the texture. But my husband and I loooved them! They were soo good...kinda surprising that there was no sugar in them...just honey.

I'm seriously considering opening some kind of bakery or restaurant...but the thought of serving so many people kind of scares me. I'm also contemplating lasik..so I can wake up and not be blind...and so that tiny bacteria doesn't get caught under my lense and burrow a hole through my cornea.

you will forever be the ache in my heart
the one that got away
the one who made me cry
the one who broke my heart
but i've learned..you will never be the one who makes me laugh
the one who's by my side when i'm sick
the one shares my future...
you will always be that one small stepping stone that got me to where i am now.
i am so over you

lost and desperate
grasping at smooth glass walls
continuously falling
waiting
waiting
waiting
for the inevitable crash
hoping for the end
dizzy from the endless downward spiral
darkness all around
theres no light at the end of the tunnel
only burnt out hopes and dreams
voices
left and right
decisions decisions
disappointment every time
happiness is not a destination
left stranded in the land of despair
waiting
waiting
waiting
hoping for the end

warm regards...

has anyone ever ended a letter or email with warm regards? my husband does that...and i HATE it.

i find it gross and slightly pervy.

first off why not just send me your regards and i'll warm them myself. and secondly why ARE they warm...what have you been doing to them for them to become warm? its just gross... and then when they send their warmest regards...thats just.... yuck!

kinda reminds me of when you sit in a seat and its already warm from someone else sitting on it.. really gross.

i HATE sitting on pre-warmed seats.

and i really hate warm regards... a nice cold sincerely or thanks will do just fine.