I try to relax, meditate in the silence. But the silence is what makes things worse. It sends my mind rushing back to thoughts of you. Back to the feel of your embrace. Back to that first kiss. I find myself spiraling down further into the depression I feel..so I tense up. Close off, and envelop myself in the stress. Hide my feelings and my heart beneath the chaos. Will it always be this way?

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Mommy! Mommy! Hanoo where are my keys? Did you see my phone? Whats the plan for today? What do you want to do? Can we watch Cars? Can we buy a dog? I had an accident! I did poopoo! Omar spilled the water! Omar colored on the couch! Hamza won't share. I want.. I want...I want.. I neeed I neeed I neeed..Laundry, dishes, dinner, breakfast, lunch, snack, water, juice, treat, potty, diaper, clothes, vacuum, dust, fold, organize, pick up toys, step on toys, pick up toys, step on toys. break toys. cry.

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I can clear my head of everything and everyone but you. You hide in the corners of my mind, waiting for my undivided attention. You are always there lurking beneath the chaos, but you prefer to jump out when I'm all alone. To intensify the hurt I guess. To make me really concentrate on the pain of loss and heart ache. to make me question my entire existence. to make me realize it was all my fault.