Recently, I was talking to someone about living in Saudi Arabia. She's Russian and has grown up and lived in Saudi Arabia all her life. She was complaining about the way people come to Saudi Arabia and know what the rules are and yet they come and then expect things to be different and change for them. She also said something that has been on repeat in my head all day, "Living here is what you make it". She's right, but that phrase also makes me feel incredibly selfish, spoiled, and just plain wrong for feeling miserable here.
I love my family, I love the friends and most of the people I have met here, I love my kid's school and the community of parents and kids that are a part of it. But living here, in Saudi Arabia, depresses the hell out of me. I feel empty and worthless and unproductive. And so when someone tells me that living here is what you make of it...it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for just not being able to adapt to life here. I ABHOR wearing a abaya, it gets caught on stuff, the buttons are constantly falling off, if it has a zipper I feel twisted inside, they're hot, i'm constantly tripping on them, i feel like i cannot walk or move freely, i feel trapped and suffocated in them and have half a mind to walk around naked under it because they are so damn hot. So that's one part of life that I have to deal with every single day that I just can't adapt to and cannot get used to. I cannot get used to things closing 40 minutes before and after prayer. It makes everything so stressful and with kids every minute counts. Just more trapped feeling...living within the few hours between each daytime prayer trying to get things done; and instead of making one feel religious it makes me seriously hate prayer time. The lack of human decency that is here....people here disgust me...of course its a huge generalization but my God it is a huge number of them. They lack common courtesy and understanding. They are selfish and inconsiderate. Slobs who throw their garbage where ever they please. No respect for lines, or turns, or basic traffic laws.
it drives me insane.
I cannot get over being dependent on any man to take me where I need to go. I miss hopping in my car, and sometimes just driving for the sake of driving. I miss leaving the kids with their dad after a long day and driving to the supermarket or pharmacy or walmart just to walk around and do nothing, alone. Here there is no alone. I am constantly with someone...even if I ditch my kids with their dad I have to take a car with a driver who is usually chatty and wants to make small talk with the half American half Saudi girl who looks and acts 100% American. But I don't want to small talk, I just want to sit alone. Blast some music and just get lost for a few hours without hearing Mommy Mommy, Hannah Hannah, Ma'am Ma'am. The only time I can be alone is in my house...and although I used to enjoy staying home..I don't want to stay home here because I'm always home and staying home all the time is enough to drive any person insane.
And I can't seem to get over any of those things...so I feel like a complete failure of a person for not being able to make the best of living here...for not wanting to sit in a corner and fucking cry every once in a while because of how miserable the trapped feeling is here. I know being a mom to young kids can make you feel trapped and suffocated but the feelings are multiplied by living in this country. I hate it
I love my family, I love the friends and most of the people I have met here, I love my kid's school and the community of parents and kids that are a part of it. But living here, in Saudi Arabia, depresses the hell out of me. I feel empty and worthless and unproductive. And so when someone tells me that living here is what you make of it...it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for just not being able to adapt to life here. I ABHOR wearing a abaya, it gets caught on stuff, the buttons are constantly falling off, if it has a zipper I feel twisted inside, they're hot, i'm constantly tripping on them, i feel like i cannot walk or move freely, i feel trapped and suffocated in them and have half a mind to walk around naked under it because they are so damn hot. So that's one part of life that I have to deal with every single day that I just can't adapt to and cannot get used to. I cannot get used to things closing 40 minutes before and after prayer. It makes everything so stressful and with kids every minute counts. Just more trapped feeling...living within the few hours between each daytime prayer trying to get things done; and instead of making one feel religious it makes me seriously hate prayer time. The lack of human decency that is here....people here disgust me...of course its a huge generalization but my God it is a huge number of them. They lack common courtesy and understanding. They are selfish and inconsiderate. Slobs who throw their garbage where ever they please. No respect for lines, or turns, or basic traffic laws.
it drives me insane.
I cannot get over being dependent on any man to take me where I need to go. I miss hopping in my car, and sometimes just driving for the sake of driving. I miss leaving the kids with their dad after a long day and driving to the supermarket or pharmacy or walmart just to walk around and do nothing, alone. Here there is no alone. I am constantly with someone...even if I ditch my kids with their dad I have to take a car with a driver who is usually chatty and wants to make small talk with the half American half Saudi girl who looks and acts 100% American. But I don't want to small talk, I just want to sit alone. Blast some music and just get lost for a few hours without hearing Mommy Mommy, Hannah Hannah, Ma'am Ma'am. The only time I can be alone is in my house...and although I used to enjoy staying home..I don't want to stay home here because I'm always home and staying home all the time is enough to drive any person insane.
And I can't seem to get over any of those things...so I feel like a complete failure of a person for not being able to make the best of living here...for not wanting to sit in a corner and fucking cry every once in a while because of how miserable the trapped feeling is here. I know being a mom to young kids can make you feel trapped and suffocated but the feelings are multiplied by living in this country. I hate it
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