I overthink. My mind is always constantly running through different scenarios and different meanings.

Does she really mean she is happy to see me?

Why did he have that particular look on his face?

And it always ends with me thinking I'm not good enough.

No one could ever truly like me.

I have nothing special to offer anybody.

I sit in confusion when people seem to genuinely enjoy being in my company.

I wonder why?

I get scared that my cover will be blown, completely ignoring the fact that I wasn't hiding anything to begin with, I was just being me.

I worry that they will realize how worthless I really am, and frantically try to keep up with appearances.

Appearances that never existed to begin with.

My anxiety flares, words become difficult, and my brain becomes too muddled to really focus on the person talking in front of me.

Don't blow it, don't blow it repeats over and over in my mind.

It's hard to turn off my mind, to tune out the anxieties, to internally scream SHUT UP. Yet I still try.

Sometimes my feelings get the best of me. They engulf me, and I can feel myself spiraling down. It becomes hard to see the bright and hopeful side of life. I start to dwell not only on what has hurt me, but on everything sad or awful in the world. I fall deeper into the sadness, and find it hard to climb back up into the light. I desperately try to heal the ache in my heart, in my soul and I start by pushing away people and things who I feel, at the moment, have caused me pain. I still leave my house with a smile though, I will tell you I'm fine if you ask, I will laugh, I will joke, I will continue on as though nothing at all is wrong. You'll never know about the tears I shed behind closed doors. You'll never know about the nights I stay awake unable to sleep, overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt. You'll never know how deeply I feel things.

I think I'm done living in Saudi Arabia. Done with all of it...I can honestly say that at this particular moment in time if I leave this country never to return again I will not be sad. Not even a little. I may miss a few people and I will miss the boys' school, but other than that. Nothing.

Now I know it seems childish and ridiculous to complain and say I hate this place, when there are so many places in the world that are much worse than living in suffocating Saudi Arabia. I could be stuck in the middle of the war in Syria, or the chaos that is Iraq, or some poverty stricken place in Africa. I know that, I do, but until you've lived this life and dealt with these frustrations that happen every single day with no end in sight...you have no right to tell me that I am not justified in feeling that I currently live in the worst possible country on earth.

So..lets vent. Let's list a few of these frustrations...

1. Not being allowed to drive. You'd think it is a stupid thing to complain about...but being entirely dependent on someone else to take you where you want to go is not fun. Especially not when you have three other human beings attached to you wherever you go. And it's further exacerbated by living on a compound where you seem to be not only talking, but screaming at walls. When no one cares or even bothers to fully listen to your issues, where they go constantly go back on their word, where their poor sensitive male ego is hurt when a woman comes up with a solution better than theirs, and to remedy that they completely ignore any recommendation made by you. Where trying to get your kids to school each day is a battle, an event so stressful that before the day even starts you're ready to crawl back into bed; only to be reminded that crawling into bed is not an option.

2. While on the topic of driving, lets mention the horrendous traffic. When in the States, I loved driving around neighborhoods and getting lost and discovering hidden play grounds and adorable houses. On weekends, going for a drive was also fun. Here leaving our house to get freaking groceries is a fucking nightmare. You don't know if you'll make it home alive, or if today will be the day that you end up getting into a horrific car accident. I vent to my parents and anyone who will listen about this a lot, and my dad always knows the right things to say (sarcasm). He likes to let me know how awful traffic is in the States too, and how he hates driving there for the exact same reason. Nope. Sorry but you are a liar. You cannot compare driving in the States to driving here, where you'll be minding your own business driving the right way and suddenly a car is driving directly towards you because he cant be freaking bothered to get on the right side of the road. The driving here is a reason we stay home.

3. More on grocery shopping or any type of shopping. Dealing with driving there is only half the battle..theres also the oh so lovely prayer time where everything closes for at least an hour. prayer takes at most 10 minutes, why they need to close for an hour is beyond me...and with there being 5 prayers a day...really only 4 of them affect store times...you can just imagine how efficient weekends are here. Get to the grocery store and get locked inside because its prayer time and we can't pay for our shit. Finally get out, and go drive to a restaurant...oh shit another prayer...restaurant closed. Let's go home and wish we never ever left our house.

4. Rude, entitled, judgemental people. This one is applicable to all places, it's not unique to Saudi Arabia, but it definitely adds to the joy of living here. For example waiting in line and some completely head to toe covered woman tries cutting in front of you because she assumes you don't speak arabic and therefore are lesser than her. When you do speak arabic, she looks you up and down and half heartedly apologizes but still tries to get her stuff done before you. Or something as simple as boarding a plane....the concept of forming a line seems to be much to difficult for people here..not just Saudis but Pakistanis and Indians too. I realize someone may call me out and say I'm racist but it's true, and of course there are the few western ex pats who think "if you can't beat em.." and those people I truly despise. I despise them all, but the western expats who wouldn't dare behave this way back home...they really disappoint me. Living here has made me lose all hope for humanity, and theres Trump and his lovely followers...people suck and I'm better off holing up in my house.

5. The abaya. It's hot, it's annoying, it gets stuck on things, it makes me trip, and I HATE it. I hate it with a passion....i want to light all of mine on fire and watch them burn. The only good thing is that I cvan leave the house in my pajamas or wear the same clothes every single day and not a single person will know. Granted doing that isn't great for your emotional or mental state...but its the only positive I can think of.

6. For a place that lets kids run wild, it does not have a lot for kids. Sure every mall has a kids play area but most are so poorly maintained that you would be better off sending your kids to play in a junk yard...they have the same likelihood of getting hurt or sick from both places. Also there are no changing tables in any bathroom I have ever been in.

7. Bathrooms...cleanliness is part of your religion. Well these people obviously never learned that. Using a public restroom is almost as traumatizing as driving through the horrific traffic. the floors are soaking wet, and you always end up with some mystery liquid on the bottom of your abaya. Majority of the restrooms are just porcelain holes in the floor and if you magically find a stall with a regular toilet seat its usually so beat up and with no toilet seat , just the porcelain bowl. Oh and let's not forget the complete lack of toilet paper. There is never ever ever any toilet paper in the restrooms. Also I must be fair and say new malls and restaurants have very nice restrooms, but that only lasts a couple months. Apparently people here don't know how to properly use a bathroom and destroy it. They seem to destroy everything here...they live by the motto "hey it's not mine!"

8. Not something that can be fixed, but the dust. Oh my god how I hate the dust.

9. Oh back to bathrooms, the bathrooms which are vile and disgusting are where the fitting rooms for women are. We cannot try clothes on in the store, that is a privilege only given to men, as is driving, and we must purchase the clothes or leave a credit card and go try it on in the nearest bathroom which sometimes is quite a long way away. Also I'm the type of person who enjoys getting my husband's, or really whoever is with me, feedback. I can't when I'm trying clothes on in a bathroom and required to wear a abaya when I leave said bathroom.

10. On the topic of clothes...ridiculous return policy of three days and exchange within 7. When transportation is so difficult and you're reliant on someone else bringing you back 3 days is a ridiculous amount of time. factor in kids, prayer times and awful traffic. You're pretty much stuck with whatever you bought, so choose wisely. Did I also mention it is not only that you have to return it within 3 days it also has to be before the exact time you bought it. So say you bought something at 9:05 on Monday, you go to the store on Thursday and get to the checkout at 9:06, sorry you're only eligible for an exchange because it now counts as four days. I'm not kidding this has happened to me before.

BAsically..in a nutshell  the longer I have lived here the more I hate this place and the more I want to leave. Unfortunately my kids' lives are here, their friends, their school, their home, and it makes it incredibly difficult for me to leave. I am no longer someone hopeful for change and hope and happy things...all I want is OUT.

Recently, I was talking to someone about living in Saudi Arabia. She's Russian and has grown up and lived in Saudi Arabia all her life. She was complaining about the way people come to Saudi Arabia and know what the rules are and yet they come and then expect things to be different and change for them. She also said something that has been on repeat in my head all day, "Living here is what you make it". She's right, but that phrase also makes me feel incredibly selfish, spoiled, and just plain wrong for feeling miserable here.

I love my family, I love the friends and most of the people I have met here, I love my kid's school and the community of parents and kids that are a part of it. But living here, in Saudi Arabia, depresses the hell out of me. I feel empty and worthless and unproductive. And so when someone tells me that living here is what you make of it...it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for just not being able to adapt to life here. I ABHOR wearing a abaya, it gets caught on stuff, the buttons are constantly falling off, if it has a zipper I feel twisted inside, they're hot, i'm constantly tripping on them, i feel like i cannot walk or move freely, i feel trapped and suffocated in them and have half a mind to walk around naked under it because they are so damn hot. So that's one part of life that I have to deal with every single day that I just can't adapt to and cannot get used to. I cannot get used to things closing 40 minutes before and after prayer. It makes everything so stressful and with kids every minute counts. Just more trapped feeling...living within the few hours between each daytime prayer trying to get things done; and instead of making one feel religious it makes me seriously hate prayer time. The lack of human decency that is here....people here disgust me...of course its a huge generalization but my God it is a huge number of them. They lack common courtesy and understanding. They are selfish and inconsiderate. Slobs who throw their garbage where ever they please. No respect for lines, or turns, or basic traffic laws.

it drives me insane.

I cannot get over being dependent on any man to take me where I need to go. I miss hopping in my car, and sometimes just driving for the sake of driving. I miss leaving the kids with their dad after a long day and driving to the supermarket or pharmacy or walmart just to walk around and do nothing, alone. Here there is no alone. I am constantly with someone...even if I ditch my kids with their dad I have to take a car with a driver who is usually chatty and wants to make small talk with the half American half Saudi girl who looks and acts 100% American. But I don't want to small talk, I just want to sit alone. Blast some music and just get lost for a few hours without hearing Mommy Mommy, Hannah Hannah, Ma'am Ma'am. The only time I can be alone is in my house...and although I used to enjoy staying home..I don't want to stay home here because I'm always home and staying home all the time is enough to drive any person insane.

And I can't seem to get over any of those things...so I feel like a complete failure of a person for not being able to make the best of living here...for not wanting to sit in a corner and fucking cry every once in a while because of how miserable the trapped feeling is here. I know being a mom to young kids can make you feel trapped and suffocated but the feelings are multiplied by living in this country. I hate it